i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
