I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
