K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
