Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize