the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
