apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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