We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
