So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
