I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
