CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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