It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
