shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
