life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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