I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
