I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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