I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
