Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
