Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
