if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
