I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
