Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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