omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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