pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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