ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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