Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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