Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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