I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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