Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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