You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
