did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
