Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
These tits shall not be calmed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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