I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I will pee on everything he values.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
