sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
