her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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