Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
