I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
