I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
