Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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