An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
