his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
