I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
