p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
how does that bad decision feel?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
