I CAN MOONWALK!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
