You can't special order awesome
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
