just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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