its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
