I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
