i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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