Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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