That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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