Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
