this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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