All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
being pregnant is like rehab
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
