Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
