I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
