Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
