There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
