I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
