A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
