everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
